5. It’s only an argument if you join in 
Finally, remember that it takes two to argue. If he or she says something hurtful, take a pause.
You don’t have to respond. At least you don’t have to respond right away. Our brain often
feels like we have to respond right away to make the situation right, but this doesn’t usually work.

Your partner will be far more receptive to you bringing up the conversation later when emotions have calmed. This is not to say that you cannot say anything in the moment. Simply be mindful of when it goes past an exchange of information. Do not allow yourself to then engage in a nonsensical debate. Remember, you have nothing to prove, and the argument will only serve to make things feel worse to both of you.

Following these five steps will help you to minimize stressful conflicts and instead mindfully enjoy a great holiday season with your significant other. 

​

As a licensed clinician in the field with over 25 years specializing in couples counseling, I am here to give you a firm and resounding answer: YES. 

We may think that our relationship is ours and ours alone to deal with, and that the problems within the relationship need to be solved on our own. We may think if we just work a little harder, or if I can just get my partner to understand, then he/she will realize and make the changes necessary to fix this relationship. 
Does that sound familiar? We can get stuck in a negative cycle, and our pattern of thinking is a part of it. We become entangled in the same issues and arguments because we think our partner has to change. However, in their mind they think that we are the one who needs to change. Alternately, sometimes one person may entirely blame themselves.

Listen:
How many times have you been in a conversation or trying to share something with your partner when you realize that he/she is not listening? Or they keep interrupting you? Many times? A good listener can be hard to find. 

It also seems that most of us overestimate how good a listener we are. Sometimes we may be assuming what our partner is saying and anxiously awaiting our turn to speak, rather than being truly present and listening. The delivery of verbal content is only part of communication, another part is feeling heard and understood. Even if the interrupter who says “I knew what she was going to say” is correct in his assumption, it still damages the communication process and the relationship. 

Empathize:
Empathizing is seeking to understand what our partner is feeling as they are sharing information. Is it sadness? Frustration? Fear? Happiness? Reflecting this feeling back to the speaker can be a powerful communication tool. It will make your partner feel understood. Phrases like “That made you very angry” “ That’s a scary situation” , “Wow, what a great time” are all examples of reflecting the feeling back in an empathetic way.

Validate:
Validation is letting the speaker know that you heard and understood what they are saying. Often, we do not verbally validate because we think “I heard what was said, I don’t have to prove it.” However, the validation isn’t about you as the listener, it’s for the speaker. It makes them feel heard. This helps the communication and the feel of the relationship.

Share:
Only after the first 3 steps have been followed, should we share our thoughts and feelings about the situation. ​

Depression is a debilitating illness and one that can feel overwhelming to the sufferer. The depressed person's family and loved ones can also feel overwhelmed. We love the depressed person and want them to feel relief from the agonizing pain they are in. We try to help. We try to help in ways we think are helpful. We don't usually know what is helpful. This is the difficult truth we face, helplessly trying to hold someone up and keep them from sinking. Many well- intentioned interventions actually result in the depressed person falling further into depression.
​
It is imperative not to give up hope. Making sure your depressed family member is getting the support and professional help they need is a priority. Even with a good plan in place it can be difficult to communicate with them during their depression. You may be afraid you will say or do the 'wrong thing'; this is a common fear. Here are three ideas/strategies that have proven effective in working with family members who are depressed. Depression can look different case by case and can run a range from mild and episodic to severe clinical depression. These strategies are effective regardless of severity or perceived severity of the depression.
​

Couples often argue about a past occurrence without realizing that they are, in a sense, in two different arguments. One person may have been impacted by their partner’s actions (or lack of action) in the given situation and is talking about the IMPACT, while the other person who committed the transgression is explaining their INTENT.

Both impact and intent can be important pieces to discuss in the aftermath of a conflict or disagreement. However, because there is no formal announcement/agreement about which part they are addressing, the discussion becomes unclear to both parties. The effect of the lack of clarity here is that the impact explainer is seen by the intent explainer as ‘attacking them’ or saying they are bad. The intent explainer is seen by the impact explainer as ‘making excuses’ or minimizing.