The Communication Formula: The Key for Better, Shorter & Easier Fights with Your Partner

What’s the most important ingredient in a healthy relationship? Communication. Most of us have heard that this is the most essential piece of a healthy relationship, and indeed it seems to be.

However, when it comes to the what and the how of communication, you and your partner may look at it differently. Chances are good that you each came into the relationship with different communication styles and years of experience using this style. There was no conversation about this, nor did your partner come with an instruction book. You just assumed it would work out and “we will talk.”

Your communication styles, which were likely learned as a child, can cause difficulty if not fully understood. Different styles sometimes do not work well together and can clash—causing hurt feelings, conflict and discord. An assertive communicator paired with an avoidant communicator poses obvious issues.  Now if you match that same avoidant communicator with a brash communicator who struggles with boundaries—and you’ve got big trouble. 

This article will focus on a formula that will help, regardless of your communication style—the formula is Listen, Empathize, Validate, then Share (LEVS).

Listen:
How many times have you been in a conversation or trying to share something with your partner when you realize that he/she is not listening? Or they keep interrupting you? Many times? A good listener can be hard to find. 

It also seems that most of us overestimate how good a listener we are. Sometimes we may be assuming what our partner is saying and anxiously awaiting our turn to speak, rather than being truly present and listening. The delivery of verbal content is only part of communication, another part is feeling heard and understood. Even if the interrupter who says “I knew what she was going to say” is correct in his assumption, it still damages the communication process and the relationship. 

Empathize:
Empathizing is seeking to understand what our partner is feeling as they are sharing information. Is it sadness? Frustration? Fear? Happiness? Reflecting this feeling back to the speaker can be a powerful communication tool. It will make your partner feel understood. Phrases like “That made you very angry” “ That’s a scary situation” , “Wow, what a great time” are all examples of reflecting the feeling back in an empathetic way.

Validate:
Validation is letting the speaker know that you heard and understood what they are saying. Often, we do not verbally validate because we think “I heard what was said, I don’t have to prove it.” However, the validation isn’t about you as the listener, it’s for the speaker. It makes them feel heard. This helps the communication and the feel of the relationship.

Share:
Only after the first 3 steps have been followed, should we share our thoughts and feelings about the situation. ​

Let’s look at an example. First, I will list a typical exchange without empathy and validation and then one with empathy and validation.

We come to Mary and Scott in the middle of an argument. Mary is trying to tell Scott how she felt when he got angry and yelled at her after she asked him what he was doing on his computer. 
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Mary: I don’t understand why you were so mean when I asked you about what you were doing. I was just trying to see what you were doing and you bit my head off.

Scott: I didn’t bite your head off, I don’t care if you see what I’m doing.

Mary: No, it’s not that, it's just, why did you have to get so angry and yell at me?

Scott: You know, there are a lot of things you do that I have questions about but I don’t give you a hard time.

Mary: I don’t understand. Why are you flipping it on me?

Scott: I’m not flipping it on you. It’s not like I went off and started throwing things, you think I’m some sort of monster.

Mary: No I don’t! Or only when you are acting like one.

Scott: See, I knew you did. Forget it . You’re unbelievable. This conversation is over.

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Now let’s look at it again, pointing out the trigger points and inserting empathy and validation.

Saying Scott was mean is a personal, negative label she is placing on him, making it likely he will respond defensively. “Bit my head off” paints an exaggerated negative image and will also cause defensiveness. Instead, try: 

Mary: I don’t understand why you reacted angrily when I asked what you were doing. I was just trying to see what you were doing. Your reaction hurt me.

Initially Scott responds to the exaggerated part of the statement which is least important to Mary, but because it is personal and exaggerated, it draws the most attention for him. He defends himself. However, in the new approach, his attention is drawn to Mary’s hurt. He’s more likely to acknowledge his own reaction in an effort to help her. 

Scott: My reaction hurt you?  I’m sorry, that was not my intention. I guess I did get a little upset, because I thought you were going to criticize me.

The following statement is fine in its content. However, it’s unnecessary if the LEVS approach is used. Instead she can respond empathetically and validate what Scott said.

Mary: No, it’s not that, it's just, why did you have to get so angry and yell at me? I hear you saying you didn’t mean to hurt me. I believe you and your apology is greatly appreciated. It lets me know that you realize there was a negative impact on me regardless of your intention.

At this point, we can see that the discussion could be finished right here. Both parties have said their piece and are able to see the other’s point of view.  This is a significantly shorter and more positive conversation than the initial conversation. 

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As you can see, in the initial conversation, we are at step 8. In the repair conversation, it not only goes more successfully but takes ½ as many steps.  
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By using a rule or formula (such as LEVS) that both you and your partner are familiar with and agree upon, it will improve communication, decrease conflict and hurt feelings, and improve the harmony of your relationship.  ​​