The Communication Formula: The Key for Easier Fights with Your Partner
What is the fundamental cornerstone of a thriving relationship? Effective communication. We've all been told that communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, and it truly is.
However, each person in a relationship may approach communication differently, both in terms of what they prioritize and how they express themselves. It's likely that you and your partner have developed unique communication styles based on your individual experiences and backgrounds. Unfortunately, there's no instruction manual that comes with your partner, and these differences can lead to misunderstandings and discord. When assertive communicators clash with avoidant communicators, or when boundary-challenged individuals interact with brash communicators, conflicts and hurt feelings can arise. This article introduces a formula that can benefit any communication style—Listen, Empathize, Validate, then Share (LEVS).
Listen.
How many times have you found yourself talking to your partner, only to realize they are not truly listening? Or perhaps they constantly interrupt you? It's not uncommon to struggle to find a genuinely attentive listener.
Moreover, many of us tend to overestimate our listening skills. We might find ourselves assuming what our partner is saying, eagerly waiting for our turn to speak instead of being fully present and engaged in the conversation. Effective communication encompasses more than just the delivery of words—it involves feeling heard and understood. Even if someone interrupts and claims, "I already knew what she was going to say," it still disrupts the communication process and damages the relationship.
Empathize.
Empathy involves seeking to understand and acknowledge the emotions your partner is experiencing as they share their thoughts and feelings. Are they feeling sadness, frustration, fear, or happiness? Reflecting back these emotions in an empathetic manner can be a powerful communication tool. Phrases such as "That must have made you very angry" or "That sounds like a scary situation" or "Wow, what a wonderful time" demonstrate empathy by mirroring their emotions.
Validate.
Validation is about reassuring the speaker that you have heard and understood what they are expressing. Often, we neglect verbal validation because we assume, "I heard what was said, I don't need to prove it." However, validation isn't about you as the listener—it's about the speaker. It helps them feel heard and understood, fostering effective communication and nurturing the relationship.
Share.
Only after following the first three steps should we share our thoughts and feelings about the situation.
Example:
First, we'll present a typical exchange without empathy and validation, followed by one that incorporates these crucial elements.
We join Mary and Scott in the midst of an argument. Mary is attempting to express how she felt when Scott became angry and yelled at her after she asked what he was doing on his computer.
Mary: I don't understand why you were so mean when I asked you about what you were doing. I was just trying to see what you were doing, and you snapped at me.
Scott: I didn't snap at you. I don't care if you see what I'm doing.
Mary: No, it's not just that. Why did you have to get so angry and yell at me?
Scott: You know, there are plenty of things you do that I question, but I don't give you a hard time.
Mary: I don't get it. Why are you turning it around on me?
Scott: I'm not turning it around on you. I didn't start throwing things; you make me out to be a monster.
Mary: No, I don't! Only when you act like one.
Scott: See? I knew you thought that way. Forget it. You're unbelievable. This conversation is over.
Now let’s revisit the scenario, using the LEVs formula.
In the initial conversation, Mary uses personal and negative labels like "mean" and "bit my head off," which are likely to make Scott defensive. Instead, let's try a more constructive approach:
Mary: I don't understand why you reacted angrily when I asked what you were doing. I was just trying to understand. Your reaction hurt me.
By shifting the focus to Mary's hurt instead of attacking Scott’s actions, Scott is more likely to listen and acknowledge his own reaction and empathize with her.
Scott: My reaction hurt you? I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I guess I did get a little upset because I thought you were going to criticize me.
Mary can then respond empathetically and validate Scott's perspective.
Mary: No, it's not just that. Why did you have to get so angry and yell at me? I hear you saying you didn't mean to hurt me. I believe you, and I truly appreciate your apology. It lets me know that you recognize the negative impact on me, regardless of your intention.
As you can see, in the initial conversation, we reached step 8, while the repair conversation not only progresses more successfully but also requires only half the number of steps.
By adopting a shared rule or formula like LEVS, you and your partner can enhance communication, reduce conflicts and hurt feelings, and improve the overall harmony of your relationship.
